Funny Quotes: Richard Nixon Quotes Gandhi

Richard Nixon and Gandhi proudly and posthumously present “Funny Quotes,” entry number one.

Funny Quotes — kind of a “Funny Plates” derivative but yet a totally new thing.

A totally new section of the site!

You see, for years I’ve felt the quotation market untapped, and because no great man ever complains of want of opportunities, let they words be few.

I hope you enjoy these.

The power of imagination makes us infinite.

Money over everything.

Here it is again.
 

Money over everything.

By Ryan + Aron, for AlmostInspirato.com.

Occupy Halas Hall: Pay Matt Forte Chicago Bears!

Chicago Bears must pay Matt Forte or Occupy Halas Hall will become reality.

As a semi-recent hire of Bear Down Podcast — unquestionably the preeminent Bears comedy podcast on the internet — I thought it might be in my interest to help solve the escalating Forte problem/ensure Chicago maintains a formidable team* for 2012.

Hence...

Pay Matt Forte.

It’s not that Michael Bush isn’t great — both at football and at improv — it’s just that Matt Forte is better. And as most football types seem to be opining, Matt Forte also deserves better.

“Everything they’ve asked, he’s done,” said even the incoming Bush of the Bears and their star runner. “But that has nothing to do with me.”

It will soon.

Three days ago, Forte refused to sign his franchise tender…which means that right now — at least contractually — he’s not a part of the team. If someone doesn’t step up to the plate with relative haste, this thing has the potential to drag on into training camp.

So here’s my second suggestion…

Activism.

Nobody has to get hurt (and people will be allowed to take showers this time), but how ‘bout we cause a ruckus Chicago?! As soon as the Bulls beat the Heat in the playoffs and all of Chicago (and Cleveland) can rest easy, how ‘bout we turn our attention to Halas Hall?

Matt Forte is one of the more consistently productive backs in the league + a perfect fit in Chicago’s presumptive Ticeian offense.

Let’s make sure he knows that.

Also, let’s make sure we listen to Bear Down Podcast.

It’s awesome + I get a free burrito if you mention this article via Twitter. (TWEET THEM HERE!!!)

Do it. (Maron inflected.)

Signed,

A Browns fan who likes the Bears for work (and in truth, actually kind of came to like them anyway!)

…………………………..

(*My “Brown Out” podcast is the lowest rated audio entry on iTunes. Thanks Holmgren.)

(PS- I've just been informed that it’s POSSIBLE I’m not the first one to think of this “Occupy Halas Hall” thing… so a quick shout-out to the literally 10,000 similarly titled Google search results people whose idea I stole.)

……………………………

By Ryan + Aron, for BearDownPodcast.com. (BDP is also available on iTunes and Stitcher. I'm really good at my job.)

Jon Huntsman 2012: The Conservative Liberal who is also Mormon

Liberal Conservative Mormon Jon Huntsman dropped out of the 2012 race months ago, but that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate his candidacy.

For moderate Californians (once again ignored by the Republican establishment!), I think the greatest regret of the 2012 primaries has to be the ease with which Jon Huntsman was dismissed. How little we got to know him…

Lament this, for there was more to Jon Huntsman than his relatively moderate take on the issues (a moderate take perhaps overstated, as his tax plan was as “ambitious” as any).

Rather, there was more to Jon Huntsman in that it seems the ex-governor of Utah was also, quite publicly, nice. From the outside, it even appeared as though he aimed to treat the political forum with some degree of reverence and professionalism.

Obviously the public was hungry for that, and had “margin for error” not been in the race he might have finished higher in the polls.

Regardless, though this literature was meant to be posted months ago (again, the lawsuit) …let’s get to know Jon Huntsman anyway.

When 2016 rolls around…at least we’ll have something with which to commemorate his run in 2012.

By Ryan + Aron, for CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.com.

Rick Perry 2012: Governor’s Campaign Posters have finally arrived!

Rick Perry's 2012 campaign posters are finally in stock!

Governor Rick Perry may have suspended his campaign in January, but I’m hoping I can still sell a few of these to the wayward Texans who have been as of yet unable to procure the right bumper sticker.

Now, full disclosure: I wanted to write something insightful here, but I haven’t followed Rick Perry since January. I tried to do a little research and the best I could find was that during the early debates, RP might have acted inappropriately (no homo) toward a rival campaign manager in a men’s room.

I guess that's funny and interesting.

In researching his Twitter feed, I was able to discern that he is both working toward rehabilitating his image by posing with adorable animals and married to a high school football team.

It’s been working on both accounts (Rick’s now at 138,000 followers + it's legal to marry a football in Texas) and the dog’s since been shot. (For sport — not because it was black.)

...

To the reader: I really don’t want this to be an exclusively liberal blog politically…but I also want to maintain the right to call out those that I think are disingenuous and thereby make myself feel ingenuous.

So let’s close with this…

It’s possible Rick Perry is less of an idiot and more of an antiquated relic of old America. Which, granted, looks like an idiot when set in present day America, but hey, what can you do…

Okay, I'm off to drive my Prius. Conservative readers: I’ll draw more sports pictures soon.

Signed,

Ryan M. Braun, Professor of Political Science at the CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.

ps- If you wish to follow Rick Perry on Twitter, here is his account.

Rick Santorum on Abortion and the Gay Fetus Conundrum:

Gay abortion Rick Santorum’s gateway drug?

My thoughts on Rick Santorum are many, and I hope that espousing a few of them won’t permanently destroy my standing in Ohio.

I am not a hater.

Clearly, Rick Santorum is a man of conviction (although, semi-amazingly, he was at one time pro-choice), and clearly, Rick Santorum is a man whose convictions seem to stem from both the Bible and the Constitution.

Which — the latter intersection of philosophies — presents an interesting conundrum:

Which book is more important to Rick Santorum?

More specifically, which writing/value-set should be considered more important when evaluating the character of a presidential candidate?

Let me throw a hypothetical at you…

If a mythical being (obv. not God) offered Santorum the opportunity to fix the American economy once and for all by having a night full of anal sex, would he be morally incapable of accepting?

If we’re being honest, I think a serious candidate would have to accept.

And that’s the question I’d ask Rick Santorum if I had the platform.

That's the question I'd ask any of the candidates.

If presented with the chance to restore American greatness — however that might look to you — via the relatively simple formality of, let’s say, 20-minutes of anal sex with another man (who of course would be gentle, attentive and understanding of your situation)…would you do it, Mr. Santorum/anonymous-other-candidate?

…

And if the answer I got back was that the perceived word of God comes before a chance to help the country…then that’s probably why the perceived word of God should never influence the in-need-of-help-country’s policies.

Right?

I think so.

Okay, that’s it for the Santorum post.

And so ends the first cogent blend of economic principle and sodomy.

Sincerely,

A half-Jew

By Ryan + Aron, for the Center for American Progress Illustrated.

Ryan Braun’s 2012 NBA Season Preview One Week Into The Season:

Ryan Braun’s NBA Season Preview was originally posted about three months ago (see:previous post), and thus it may be just the wee-est bit dated.

That said...

The advantage to backlogged predictions?

The chance slash opportunity to publicly gauge their accuracy.

The following was posted January 1^st, 2012 on Cavs: the Blog. In defense of my Samardo Samuels as “poor man’s Jared Sullinger” insight… I never said how poor.

Oh, the economy…

From CTB:

Happy New Year everyone! Welcome to the year’s first installment of what was (and may soon be again if I can’t think of a better name) Drawings from the Notebook of Chris Grant.

"Where did all the pictures go?" - at least one person

This year, we’ll be trying something a little bit different — a league-topical cartoon (vs. a purely Cavalier one), plus some accordant sentiments on whatever the topic was that seemed cartoon-worthy. And that will be posted every Sunday morning.

How’s that sound?

This week’s accordant sentiments — as dictated by our picture — just a general look around the league. Notes and observations through one week of play. I promise this will get more interesting.

Here is what I’ve gleaned so far:

• New York will either beat Miami, or completely flame out. Three reasons they’re so exciting: Tyson Chandler provides a foundation for defensive improvement, Baron Davis has the ability to replace/improve upon what Chauncey brought, and Carmelo/Amar’e both think highly enough of themselves to see a matchup with the Heat as relatively even. Which is a good thing. If I’m being honest with myself, then yes, it’s doubtful that Super Team 0.5 will be able to get it done…but if enough momentum is at their back in May, who knows.

• Derrick Rose won’t be able to one-up his 2010-11 season, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a better player. The guy is as tenacious as anyone in the league, and in a weird way, I think it’ll forever make it harder for him to tangibly show us his season-to-season improvement. At this point, it’s all about nuance for him – advances in his game will come in the form of empowering Boozer and finding non-scoring avenues to succeed against elite defenses.

• Kevin Durant is, without a doubt, the second best player in the league (with the possible exception of Dwight Howard, who affects the game in a completely different way). He’s so much bigger than he was in his rookie year, and he’s getting so comfortable in carrying the Thunder for stretches/determining when those stretches should be. The litmus test will come against LeBron. If Durant can avoid getting pushed out past the 3-point-line for 90% of the game, the Thunder can win it all.

• More Thunder: There is no one that OKC could get for Russell Westbrook even remotely close to his caliber. Westbrook is a top-15 player who’s fully capable of jumping into the top-5 by the end of the year. He’s Derrick Rose, just a little less savvy off the dribble (and a little more tenacious defensively).

• Dirk Nowitzki is still really good.

• Evan Turner, not so much.

• Blake Griffin will average over 25 ppg for the next 8 years.

• Ricky Rubio will average over 8 ast for the next 25 years. (I’m still figuring out Rubio in my head. He’s definitely fun, but ultimately, might be Rondo without the defense.)

• Kobe Bryant is not even close to the same player he was four years ago. And I say that out of respect to how good Kobe used to be. He’s still really good.

• Dwight Howard only makes sense in Chicago or Dallas. (Or in Orlando, but for completely different reasons.)

• Utah will eventually trade another big.

• And…just to reiterate, anyone rooting against Miami should also be rooting against Dwyane Wade’s knees. This season has a distinct The Empire Strikes Back-type feel. Which means that next season we’ll draft one of LeBron’s kids.

Notes on the Cavs specifically:

• Tristan > Bismack

• Kings < Playoffs

• David West = James Harrison

• Omri Casspi’s game is exclusively linear.

• Samardo Samuels is a poor man’s Jared Sullinger.

• Luke Harangody is a poor man’s Brian Cardinal.

• A guard rotation of Kyrie Irving, Ramon Sessions, Daniel Gibson and whoever replaces Anthony Parker could be very, very good.

• As much as we hate on Antawn Jamison (and much/all of it is valid), the Cavs currently have no one on the roster capable of shouldering the offensive burden he does. He doesn’t shoulder it particularly well…but who else is looking to take 15 shots a game from the power forward/center position? Don’t misinterpret, I’d trade him in a heartbeat…but we’d all notice he was gone.

• Ultimately, I think Omri Casspi and Alonzo Gee are vying for the same position — backup 3 on a good team.

• Initial final summation: These Cavs still need more talent, but they’re better, clearly more exciting, and infinitely tougher than last year’s team. Credit both Byron Scott and Chris Grant for the latter. Watching Kyrie grow will be plenty exciting for the next few years, and Andy is a perfect P&R partner for him (as he was for LeBron).

• End note to the final summation: I hate to be this guy, but the biggest “misstep” the Cavs could make this year would be winning a few too many games and not landing Anthony Davis or Andre Drummond. We need one more elite guy to develop into a contender. Dan Gilbert can find us the supplementary guys (e.g. the Iguodala’s of the world)…and I’m hoping we need only one more draft to hit on a second star.

• End note’s end note: I had a dream last night that we got the fifth pick in the draft (after David Stern picked numbers out of a hat). Kidd-Gilchrist or Bradley Beal would still be awesome. We’d just end up small.

……………………

AWARDS WATCH ( 6% of the way through the season):

NBA MVP – LeBron James, SF, Miami Heat. (33.5 ppg, 7.5 reb, 7 ast) He’s shooting just under 60% from the field and 83% from the line. Plus, he just proposed to his girlfriend. It’s a bummer, but his life seems to be smoothing out.

CAVALIER MVP – Andy Varejao, PF/C. God, is it good to have him back. Andy is the best thing Tristan Thompson has going for him.

NBA COY– Erik Spoelstra, Miami Heat. For getting so much out of so little. If Miami wins 56+, it’s his. That said, by the end of the season, I think George Karl, Nate McMillan and Monty Williams will all have a shot at it.

CAVALIER COY – Byron Scott. Barely edging out Mike Krzyzewski. I worried a little early about Byron being perhaps a bit too eager to make the rookies “earn it”…but I’m feeling pretty good about everything now.

NBA ROY – Kyrie Irving, PG, Cleveland Cavaliers. If the voting ended today, I think it would be close (and maybe Rubio would get some kind of a publicity boost) …but no rookie is really shouldering the same level of responsibility as Kyrie right now. And game one aside, he’s been handling it pretty well.

CAVALIER ROY – Kyrie Irving, PG. Tristan’s been strong (I love the way he runs the floor at literally every opportunity—he’s not gotten the ball once yet, but someone else always comes open as a result), but again, Kyrie just has so much more to worry about. If Tristan can become “smart Josh Smith” within three years, we made out.

………………….

Enjoy the game tonight! Big test for Kyrie, not so big test for everyone else.

Happy New Year everyone!

By Ryan + Aron, for Cavs: the Blog.

Occupy Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

We better Occupy Wall Street, because if “Money Never Sleeps,” it’s probably making some unreasonable decisions.

At current, I am not sitting out on the street with a sign, nor am I boycotting Wall Street products – which are what, again? – so I’m kind of a weenie for jumping on the bandwagon.

But that said, all bandwagons need weenies, and I like this particular bandwagon.

I hope that Occupy Wall Street becomes the great political movement of my lifetime. I realize it’s not nearly there yet (more people need to get on the street! Lazy motherf*ckers…), but it’s already exceeded my expectations—let’s keep driving in the direction we’re going.

Now, clarification time:

Do I want Wall Street overrun with dissenters? Of course not. I don’t think anybody wants that, except for maybe this guy:

Hey, a man’s gotta eat...

With complete sincerity though, I think that these people are on to something. At least in sentiment.

The Tea Party – whose 2009 emergence is the one most immediately used in drawing OWS parallels – was/is angry at the state of the country (parallel), and tried to/is trying to strike back at the perceived regulatory bodies they felt/feel responsible (perpendicular).

The Tea Party’s biggest problem? (Besides issues of gay rights and religion creeping into their agenda and soiling what was originally a semi-earnest brand…)

I think they’re angry at the wrong people.

Occupy Wall Street, at its most focused, I believe is more in tune with the country’s issues.

The income divide – by definition, really – is the greatest threat to mass “American exceptionalism” since, let's say, the eighties. The reason our economy is faltering seems to be, to borrow a percentage from the OWS movement, that 99% of us don’t have any money to spend on anyone else’s products. Thus, the multi-nationals grow (because they can sell to a wider base), while everything local continues to fade (thus, exacerbating the problem).

So how do you fix that?

Tailoring the tax code (or even less drastically, tailoring the regulatory bodies that watch over multi-national businesses) to favor/aid the lower-tied consumers has been accused of being socialistic (which in my view isn’t the worst thing in the world) and wealth redistributive.

It is.

But should we really be fighting that?

Consider this: With the income divide as severe as it currently is, isn't not layering the economic system in such a way also wealth redistribution?

Isn't it redistributive even more so?

If everybody keeps 80% of their annual pay, but executive compensation continues to soar while the compensation of the middle and lower classes continues to stagnate...won't the income divide just continue to grow with each passing year?

So, I think then very practically, a (the?) solution to stimulating the economy is quite likely the alternative not acting...which would be to more radically tier the tax code/corporate regulations to favor the consumer, and to favor those suffering the stagnation.

We shift money from the very wealthy to the government, and then from the government to the very poor/middle-class. In theory then, the poor would immediately spend the money (they have no other recourse – if you had to choose between buying dinner or opening an offshore investment account, you settle on dinner…) on local businesses, thus increasing the quality of life for the poor and middle-class (the latter of which hopefully still own the local businesses), while bolstering the economy around them. It’s “trickle up,” economics, and it seems to me that with TUE there’s far less to go wrong than there is with the TDE.

And while I think that Occupy Wall Street’s centrifugal message (or at least what I hope it to eventually be) is “Get Money Out of Politics,” and not TUE... I actually believe that getting money out of politics will represent the most significant step possible toward the enacting of my latter economic musings.

You’d have a hard time convincing me that what I wrote above doesn’t make sense, and for that reason, I’ve got to think the only reason it hasn’t happened yet is the lack of cause-associated political capital. Political capital costs money, and the money would rather see opposite agendas go down. If we're able to take money out of the equation, the most obvious fix becomes more likely to step to the forefront. (Truth be told, even if we ended up with more conservative action post-the years of ridiculously hefty clandestine political investment, I’d feel better knowing that the policies enacted were at least enacted with the purest of intentions.)

And there you have it. Occupy Wall Street through the eyes of a layman.

It’s a step in the right direction, and I hope it continues to build.

Take it from me – I’m an English major.

By Ryan, for the Center for American Progress Illustrated. (Guilty little secret: It’s just a link to this site.)