Funny Quotes: Richard Nixon Quotes Gandhi

Richard Nixon and Gandhi proudly and posthumously present “Funny Quotes,” entry number one.

Funny Quotes — kind of a “Funny Plates” derivative but yet a totally new thing.

A totally new section of the site!

You see, for years I’ve felt the quotation market untapped, and because no great man ever complains of want of opportunities, let they words be few.

I hope you enjoy these.

The power of imagination makes us infinite.

Money over everything.

Here it is again.
 

Money over everything.

By Ryan + Aron, for AlmostInspirato.com.

Justice for Trayvon Martin: Mitt Romney to the rescue

Mitt Romney features Trayvon Martin in justice-oriented ad campaign.

On the evening of February 26th, 17-year-old Trayvon Martin was shot and killed by neighborhood watch captain George Zimmerman inside a gated Sanford, Florida community where he was living with his father, stepmother and little brother.

More recently, in an effort to court black voters (which, contrary to the assertions of Newt Gingrich, means to try and woo them)… Mitt Romney released the attached set of pictures — mock-ups for a potential ad campaign tentatively titled, “flip the script” — in order to gauge the public’s response.

(As CFAAP.com is one of the blogs being used to gauge, please let us know what you think.)

According to Romney spokeswoman Andrea Saul, the FTS campaign will attempt to promote two central conceits.

They are as follows:

One – Mitt Romney is an everyman.

Two – If Mitt Romney had a son, he would look like an amalgamation of all the murdered minorities of the past 10 years.

Should reception to the campaign be positive, Sauls hinted that Romney will consider tattooing a likeness of Trayvon on his chest — possibly with the intention of revealing it for the general electorate during an upcoming presidential debate.

Romney stated that if a Latino child were killed, he would consider taking similar action.

Romney is believed to be unconcerned with Muslims.

Per Sauls, Mitt Romney will be appearing Friday at Coachella with the Tupac hologram.

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(Ps- So I don't get sued again...please know that as with most things on this blog the above post is just about entirely made up. I appreciate your readership tremendous amounts. Ryan.)

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By Ryan + Aron, for the CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.com.

Herman Cain vs Prominent Muslims Series: Herman Cain vs Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Herman Cain battles prominent Muslim Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as we return to CFAAP’s most popular series!

We’re still working through the backlog, and next up is a return to the once oh-so-promising series: “Herman Cain vs. Prominent Muslims.”

In case you missed the first…

HC v. Muhammad Ali.

Sadly, due to the unforeseen and semi-impractical lawsuit that has slowed the rocket-like take off of this blog, the “Herman Cain vs. Prominent Muslims” series may be left in the end an unfinished work (unless Herman Cain can beat off Chris Christie and Paul Ryan for the 2016 nomination — unlikely because Herman left things a bit of a mess + the majority of RNC members are contractually incapable of beating off anyone or anything.)

In closing:

Herman,

The day your ended your candidacy for President of the United States, my world got a little blacker.

I think I speak for everyone short of Sharon Bialek when I say that I miss you.

I miss you a lot.

To the only guy in the history of American politics to quote Pokemon with a reverence usually reserved for MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech…

Godspeed Herman Cain.

Wherever you are, whoever you're in... Godspeed.

By Ryan + Aron, for the CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.com.

Jon Huntsman 2012: The Conservative Liberal who is also Mormon

Liberal Conservative Mormon Jon Huntsman dropped out of the 2012 race months ago, but that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate his candidacy.

For moderate Californians (once again ignored by the Republican establishment!), I think the greatest regret of the 2012 primaries has to be the ease with which Jon Huntsman was dismissed. How little we got to know him…

Lament this, for there was more to Jon Huntsman than his relatively moderate take on the issues (a moderate take perhaps overstated, as his tax plan was as “ambitious” as any).

Rather, there was more to Jon Huntsman in that it seems the ex-governor of Utah was also, quite publicly, nice. From the outside, it even appeared as though he aimed to treat the political forum with some degree of reverence and professionalism.

Obviously the public was hungry for that, and had “margin for error” not been in the race he might have finished higher in the polls.

Regardless, though this literature was meant to be posted months ago (again, the lawsuit) …let’s get to know Jon Huntsman anyway.

When 2016 rolls around…at least we’ll have something with which to commemorate his run in 2012.

By Ryan + Aron, for CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.com.

Rick Perry 2012: Governor’s Campaign Posters have finally arrived!

Rick Perry's 2012 campaign posters are finally in stock!

Governor Rick Perry may have suspended his campaign in January, but I’m hoping I can still sell a few of these to the wayward Texans who have been as of yet unable to procure the right bumper sticker.

Now, full disclosure: I wanted to write something insightful here, but I haven’t followed Rick Perry since January. I tried to do a little research and the best I could find was that during the early debates, RP might have acted inappropriately (no homo) toward a rival campaign manager in a men’s room.

I guess that's funny and interesting.

In researching his Twitter feed, I was able to discern that he is both working toward rehabilitating his image by posing with adorable animals and married to a high school football team.

It’s been working on both accounts (Rick’s now at 138,000 followers + it's legal to marry a football in Texas) and the dog’s since been shot. (For sport — not because it was black.)

...

To the reader: I really don’t want this to be an exclusively liberal blog politically…but I also want to maintain the right to call out those that I think are disingenuous and thereby make myself feel ingenuous.

So let’s close with this…

It’s possible Rick Perry is less of an idiot and more of an antiquated relic of old America. Which, granted, looks like an idiot when set in present day America, but hey, what can you do…

Okay, I'm off to drive my Prius. Conservative readers: I’ll draw more sports pictures soon.

Signed,

Ryan M. Braun, Professor of Political Science at the CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.

ps- If you wish to follow Rick Perry on Twitter, here is his account.

Bane Capital: The Dark Knight Rises supports Mitt Romney

Bane, Bain Capital, and The Dark Knight Rises’ Mitt Romney problem…

The most notable member of the world’s leading private, alternative asset management firm has an image problem, and I’d suggest to his campaign that it’s all about perception.

Mitt Romney worked for a Bain enterprise that dissembled vulnerable companies for profit, but he also worked for a Bain enterprise whose timely investments saved Dominos, Dunkin’ Donuts and the Burlington Coat Factory — the latter of which supplied Bane’s wardrobe in The Dark Knight Rises, thereby scoring Mitt a massive political boon in the form of a role in the upcoming blockbuster (“Sinister Accountant” for The League of Shadows).

In short, informed advisor that I am, my advice to Mitt Romney would be as follows…

Mitt —

Make yourself more than just a man by devoting yourself to an ideal.

Because then… you become something else entirely.

A legend, Mr. Romney.

A legend.

(Feel free to use that in your campaign.)

By Ryan, for CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.com.

Rick Santorum on Abortion and the Gay Fetus Conundrum:

Gay abortion Rick Santorum’s gateway drug?

My thoughts on Rick Santorum are many, and I hope that espousing a few of them won’t permanently destroy my standing in Ohio.

I am not a hater.

Clearly, Rick Santorum is a man of conviction (although, semi-amazingly, he was at one time pro-choice), and clearly, Rick Santorum is a man whose convictions seem to stem from both the Bible and the Constitution.

Which — the latter intersection of philosophies — presents an interesting conundrum:

Which book is more important to Rick Santorum?

More specifically, which writing/value-set should be considered more important when evaluating the character of a presidential candidate?

Let me throw a hypothetical at you…

If a mythical being (obv. not God) offered Santorum the opportunity to fix the American economy once and for all by having a night full of anal sex, would he be morally incapable of accepting?

If we’re being honest, I think a serious candidate would have to accept.

And that’s the question I’d ask Rick Santorum if I had the platform.

That's the question I'd ask any of the candidates.

If presented with the chance to restore American greatness — however that might look to you — via the relatively simple formality of, let’s say, 20-minutes of anal sex with another man (who of course would be gentle, attentive and understanding of your situation)…would you do it, Mr. Santorum/anonymous-other-candidate?

…

And if the answer I got back was that the perceived word of God comes before a chance to help the country…then that’s probably why the perceived word of God should never influence the in-need-of-help-country’s policies.

Right?

I think so.

Okay, that’s it for the Santorum post.

And so ends the first cogent blend of economic principle and sodomy.

Sincerely,

A half-Jew

By Ryan + Aron, for the Center for American Progress Illustrated.

Billy Hunter’s ESPN: the Body Issue Cover

Billy Hunter now gets cover of ESPN: the Body Issue. And the NBA Lockout steamrolls on…

Unlike the NBA, CFAAP on is back on Cavs: the Blog, baby!

And – I think to prove a point? – I’ve decided to do my part in ending the lockout by posting a union and/or league executive on the cover of an ESPN: the Body Issue every week until this unseemliness is resolved. Because no executive wants to be caught with his pants down. Or completely naked.


So, if you're keeping score, we now have:

David Stern.
Billy Hunter.

And this is just beginning.

Freud would say I have a problem with authority. I’m more hoping I just want to see some basketball.

Now, for the Cavs: the Bloggers:

Just to see if we can’t begin a little debate here to keep ourselves entertained…let me start throwing some hypotheticals at you. (Along with drawings of naked old men, hypotheticals are my specialty.)

HYPOTHETICAL ONE:

Assuming the Cavs team stays as presently constructed, and knowing what you know now… what would you rather come out of the 2012 NBA Draft with?

A) Any one of Anthony Davis, Andre Drummond, or Harrison Barnes.

or

B) Any two of Michael Gilchrist, Quincy Miller, Perry Jones, Bradley Beal, Austin Rivers, James McAdoo or Jared Sullinger.

I’ll share my answer a bit later in the day.

(Actually, screw that, let's do it now...

I'm "A" all the way.

Two reasons. The first is that the top three guys represent the safest NBA picks in that Davis and Drummond should at worst find a way to contribute something defensively (they're both uniquely talented in that regard), while Harrison Barnes is as close to a sure-thing as there is in the draft.

The second reason is in my mind even more convincing. The Cavs (as do all teams) need one "great" far more than they need two "goods." As deep as this draft is, I don't see anyone from that second group becoming elite elite (with the possible exception of Quincy Miller, who I still view as a long shot star, and Brad Beal, who I don't know particularly well yet). They're all really good, but they're Iguodala good. At best, they're Rudy Gay good. There isn't a LBJ/Durant among that group. Each has a substantial liability that's already evident.

Davis and Drummond, they're the only two guys in the draft with "top of the NBA" potential. Harrison Barnes I love as well -- and again, he's the safest bet to fulfill his promise of anyone -- and is just a tier below them ceiling-wise.

And so ends hypothetical one.)

(Ps- If you're coming from CTB, I hope you answered before you read that.)

By Ryan + Aron, for Cavs: the Blog.

Funny Plates: Itty Bitty Titty Committee Gets Serious!

The Itty Bitty Titty Committee gets serious in "Funny Plate" number nine...which comes just an hour after "Funny Plate" number eight because A) I'd missed a week, and B) it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I wanted to be as proactive as possible.

Even if they're itty bitty, get them checked 'cause they're really pretty. (I worry that as soon as I turn 30, I'm going to lose the ability to talk about breasts without sounding creepy.)

By Ryan, for CreativelyDisposingOfPlates.com.

Occupy Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

We better Occupy Wall Street, because if “Money Never Sleeps,” it’s probably making some unreasonable decisions.

At current, I am not sitting out on the street with a sign, nor am I boycotting Wall Street products – which are what, again? – so I’m kind of a weenie for jumping on the bandwagon.

But that said, all bandwagons need weenies, and I like this particular bandwagon.

I hope that Occupy Wall Street becomes the great political movement of my lifetime. I realize it’s not nearly there yet (more people need to get on the street! Lazy motherf*ckers…), but it’s already exceeded my expectations—let’s keep driving in the direction we’re going.

Now, clarification time:

Do I want Wall Street overrun with dissenters? Of course not. I don’t think anybody wants that, except for maybe this guy:

Hey, a man’s gotta eat...

With complete sincerity though, I think that these people are on to something. At least in sentiment.

The Tea Party – whose 2009 emergence is the one most immediately used in drawing OWS parallels – was/is angry at the state of the country (parallel), and tried to/is trying to strike back at the perceived regulatory bodies they felt/feel responsible (perpendicular).

The Tea Party’s biggest problem? (Besides issues of gay rights and religion creeping into their agenda and soiling what was originally a semi-earnest brand…)

I think they’re angry at the wrong people.

Occupy Wall Street, at its most focused, I believe is more in tune with the country’s issues.

The income divide – by definition, really – is the greatest threat to mass “American exceptionalism” since, let's say, the eighties. The reason our economy is faltering seems to be, to borrow a percentage from the OWS movement, that 99% of us don’t have any money to spend on anyone else’s products. Thus, the multi-nationals grow (because they can sell to a wider base), while everything local continues to fade (thus, exacerbating the problem).

So how do you fix that?

Tailoring the tax code (or even less drastically, tailoring the regulatory bodies that watch over multi-national businesses) to favor/aid the lower-tied consumers has been accused of being socialistic (which in my view isn’t the worst thing in the world) and wealth redistributive.

It is.

But should we really be fighting that?

Consider this: With the income divide as severe as it currently is, isn't not layering the economic system in such a way also wealth redistribution?

Isn't it redistributive even more so?

If everybody keeps 80% of their annual pay, but executive compensation continues to soar while the compensation of the middle and lower classes continues to stagnate...won't the income divide just continue to grow with each passing year?

So, I think then very practically, a (the?) solution to stimulating the economy is quite likely the alternative not acting...which would be to more radically tier the tax code/corporate regulations to favor the consumer, and to favor those suffering the stagnation.

We shift money from the very wealthy to the government, and then from the government to the very poor/middle-class. In theory then, the poor would immediately spend the money (they have no other recourse – if you had to choose between buying dinner or opening an offshore investment account, you settle on dinner…) on local businesses, thus increasing the quality of life for the poor and middle-class (the latter of which hopefully still own the local businesses), while bolstering the economy around them. It’s “trickle up,” economics, and it seems to me that with TUE there’s far less to go wrong than there is with the TDE.

And while I think that Occupy Wall Street’s centrifugal message (or at least what I hope it to eventually be) is “Get Money Out of Politics,” and not TUE... I actually believe that getting money out of politics will represent the most significant step possible toward the enacting of my latter economic musings.

You’d have a hard time convincing me that what I wrote above doesn’t make sense, and for that reason, I’ve got to think the only reason it hasn’t happened yet is the lack of cause-associated political capital. Political capital costs money, and the money would rather see opposite agendas go down. If we're able to take money out of the equation, the most obvious fix becomes more likely to step to the forefront. (Truth be told, even if we ended up with more conservative action post-the years of ridiculously hefty clandestine political investment, I’d feel better knowing that the policies enacted were at least enacted with the purest of intentions.)

And there you have it. Occupy Wall Street through the eyes of a layman.

It’s a step in the right direction, and I hope it continues to build.

Take it from me – I’m an English major.

By Ryan, for the Center for American Progress Illustrated. (Guilty little secret: It’s just a link to this site.)

Herman Cain vs Prominent Muslims Series: Herman Cain vs Muhammad Ali

Herman Cain fights prominent Muslim Muhammad Ali in part one of our new series!

Today, I’m releasing the first of a series of works entitled, “The Herman Cain vs. Prominent Muslims series.” Essentially, it’s pictures of Herman Cain vs. prominent Muslims.


Our good friend Herman has been campaigning on a series of potentially panderous issues, perhaps the most notable of those being a healthy skepticism of Muslims in general.

Yeesh. (That’s Muslim for, “in poor taste.”)

Now, do I think Herman Cain actually believes that all Muslims are trying to kill us, with “us” presumably meaning all American, non-Muslim people?

No. I think he’s a reasonably smart guy with a work ethic to be admired (the man’s done a lot in his life) and has simply caught wind of how to play the game (that being, find out the issues most fervently installed in your potential base and proceed to hammer them into the ground with no regard for nuance and/or the ground—because, of the ground, hammer it hard enough and natural gas comes out!). He’s pandering, and because he has no real record in government, he’s kind of free to pander unchecked. There’s little to call him on, save for the occasional factually inaccuracy.

Anyway, I hope these pictures are silly, irreverent and enjoyable. I hope Herman Cain sees them, likes them, and maybe decides to throw in a qualifier or two when talking about religion. I’m not even religious, I just like qualifiers.

A few more thoughts in closing:

- There will be more HCVPM pictures upcoming.

- I think Herman Cain is adorable. I mean, the name “Herman” is adorable in and of itself, but on top of that he’s old, round, and has a history of making pizza. If Toys-R-Us sold a Herman Cain teddy bear, I would have it in my room.

- Despite winning the Florida straw poll last weekend, Herman Cain is polling nationally at just 5% (though depending on voter turnout, that may be enough to win).

- In Herman’s defense, I’m 99% sure the guy at my local 7-11 is a terrorist. His hot dogs are killing me. Ba da ksh! Okay, now I’m leaving.

Ah, no I'm not! One more note/addendum—Found this on abcnews.com:

Republican Herman Cain is apologizing to Muslim leaders for vitriolic remarks he made about Islam while campaigning for the presidential nomination.

The former Godfather's Pizza CEO has said communities have a right to ban Islamic mosques because Muslims are trying to inject sharia law into the U.S. He's also said he would not want a Muslim bent on killing Americans in his administration.

On Wednesday, Cain met with four Muslim leaders in Sterling, Va. He said in a statement later he was "truly sorry" for comments that may have "betrayed" his commitment to the Constitution and the religious freedom it guarantees.

He also acknowledged that Muslims, "like all Americans," have the right to practice freely their faith and that most Muslim Americans are peaceful and patriotic.

Okay, two(ish) more things:

1. Go Herman. That’s big of you.

2. There’s a really funny sentence in that blurb above. “[Cain's] also said he would not want a Muslim bent on killing Americans in his administration.” Bold stance.

3. Let’s end on a positive. Go Herman.

By Ryan + Aron, for CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.com. (Which, currently, is just a part of this site...but hey, click on the link anyway!)

The Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act: Michele Bachmann scores a win for America…

Michele Bachmann’s Mammothly Important Light Bulb Act, by Ryan Braun

The following is a commemorative piece re: Michele Bachmann’s greatest congressional accomplishment to date—the could not be enacted soon enough, “Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act.”


In case you’ve forgotten, this was the act that hastily ended the government's 2007 mandate that incandescent bulbs be phased out.

Freedom!

Here's Bachmann, from TheHill.com:

"In 2007, Congress overstepped its bounds by mandating that only 'energy efficient' light bulbs may be sold after January 1, 2012. … Government has no business telling an individual what kind of light bulb to buy."


In truth, while I know Bachmann’s taken some ridicule for this…the LBFOCA is pretty clearly in accordance with the constitution, which is of note because the constitution is probably the only document from the 1700s that had the foresight to preemptively deal with electricity. Not to mention, when Benjamin Franklin invented the light bulb, what shape was it? It was round, right? I think...I’m actually not positive it was round, but it sure as heck wasn’t twirly like a pig’s tail. What kind of message is that supposed to send to our children that we illuminate our houses with something that looks like a pig’s tail? They’ll think that we’re calling them fat, and even though there’s a statistical probability that they are, where in the constitution does it say that we should bring it to their attention? Hell, the Greeks placed a value on fat. They placed a value on fat the way we place a value on wealth. You tell me which is healthier.

So, with that in mind, you go Michele Bachmann. (Here's another picture of her in case you don't remember the first two.)

Keep fighting.

Keep leading.

Follow that light.

Conscience-induced Addendum:

Because I never want to be mindlessly partisan and would love it if this ended up being more of a centrist blog than a liberal one, I will admit the following:

From everything I can gather, the LBFOCA isn’t quite the "worst repeal of recent regulation" I'm making it out to be. The energy efficient bulbs still have a ways to go before they’re actually on par with their incandescent counterparts at “light bulbing,” and there’s been a rather alarming mercury concern raised with a few of the new bulbs as well. So on the innocuous meter, Bachmann’s bill is probably an 8/10. Depending on your mercury tolerance, it may even be beneficial.

Thus, in fairness to Bachmann, I’ll say this: If she’s to be scorned for anything, it has to be for her intellect/her treatment of gay people.

In fact, were I making a list of issues I have with Michele as a presidential candidate, it would read:

1. Poor treatment of gays.
2. Intellect.
3. Light bulbs.

Other than that, I have no qualms.

(Editor’s note: If you only read this blog for the sports cartoons, just click CFAAP on one of the sports cartoon’s tags. It will eliminate all non-sports fare. I recommended not doing that, however, because I like the political cartoons and you'd also be missing the "Funny Plates (which are perhaps my greatest artistic accomplishment)," but you have the option. Constitutionally, you have it. Regardless, I promise I’ll think up an easier way to navigate the site soon.)

(Editor’s note 2: Picture by Ryan + Aron, for CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.)

Republican Bumper Stickers: Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, and more!!!

With the following (the titlely-referenced "Republican Bumper Stickers"), I hope not to alienate half of my Lilliputian audience*...but realize I'm probably going to.

Screw it though, we’re going political. (Coincidentally, that's a quote from God to Michele Bachmann.)

Below are our first five stickers, commemorating and/or otherwise recognizing the campaigns of—in order—Tim Pawlenty, Mitt Romney, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Jon Huntsman (my personal favorite Mormon).

Cut them out and stick them to your car and stuff.

Godspeed, men/Bach-men,

Ryan M.** Braun (associate editor of online content at CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.com)

(Possibly unnecessary endnote: For those right-leaning and dissatisfied with this post, I’ll try to be fair in my upcoming political characterizations/willing to poke fun at all parties deserving of poking. Or at least go 70/30. Also, know this: While I think Obama deserves another go-round, I honestly wouldn’t be upset if Jon Huntsman (albeit only Huntsman) won. And while there’s a better chance that George W. is asked back for a third term, I hope this portrays me as a relatively tolerant and open-minded liberal. Either that or a Mormon.)

(Definitely unnecessary endnote: I'm not 100% sure on this, but I think their Mormonism would allow both Huntsman and Romney to occupy the White House in the event of a tie. Okay, now I'm leaving.)

Goodnight.

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*This blog gets about 30,000 readers a day, but they’re all tiny.

**The “M” is not for Mormon.

By Ryan, Nico, + Aron, for CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.com. (For the time being, CFAPI has merged with its sister site, CenterforAmericanAthleticProgress.com.)