Monday, April 16, 2012

Justice for Trayvon Martin: Mitt Romney to the rescue

Mitt Romney features Trayvon Martin in justice-oriented ad campaign.

On the evening of February 26th, 17-year-old Trayvon Martin was shot and killed by neighborhood watch captain George Zimmerman inside a gated Sanford, Florida community where he was living with his father, stepmother and little brother.

More recently, in an effort to court black voters (which, contrary to the assertions of Newt Gingrich, means to try and woo them)… Mitt Romney released the attached set of pictures — mock-ups for a potential ad campaign tentatively titled, “flip the script” — in order to gauge the public’s response.

(As is one of the blogs being used to gauge, please let us know what you think.)

According to Romney spokeswoman Andrea Saul, the FTS campaign will attempt to promote two central conceits.

They are as follows:

One – Mitt Romney is an everyman.

Two – If Mitt Romney had a son, he would look like an amalgamation of all the murdered minorities of the past 10 years.

Should reception to the campaign be positive, Sauls hinted that Romney will consider tattooing a likeness of Trayvon on his chest — possibly with the intention of revealing it for the general electorate during an upcoming presidential debate.

Romney stated that if a Latino child were killed, he would consider taking similar action.

Romney is believed to be unconcerned with Muslims.

Per Sauls, Mitt Romney will be appearing Friday at Coachella with the Tupac hologram.


(Ps- So I don't get sued again...please know that as with most things on this blog the above post is just about entirely made up. I appreciate your readership tremendous amounts. Ryan.)


By Ryan + Aron, for the

Friday, April 13, 2012

Occupy Halas Hall: Pay Matt Forte Chicago Bears!

Chicago Bears must pay Matt Forte or Occupy Halas Hall will become reality.

As a semi-recent hire of Bear Down Podcast — unquestionably the preeminent Bears comedy podcast on the internet — I thought it might be in my interest to help solve the escalating Forte problem/ensure Chicago maintains a formidable team* for 2012.


Pay Matt Forte.

It’s not that Michael Bush isn’t great — both at football and at improv — it’s just that Matt Forte is better. And as most football types seem to be opining, Matt Forte also deserves better.

“Everything they’ve asked, he’s done,” said even the incoming Bush of the Bears and their star runner. “But that has nothing to do with me.”

It will soon.

Three days ago, Forte refused to sign his franchise tender…which means that right now — at least contractually — he’s not a part of the team. If someone doesn’t step up to the plate with relative haste, this thing has the potential to drag on into training camp.

So here’s my second suggestion…


Nobody has to get hurt (and people will be allowed to take showers this time), but how ‘bout we cause a ruckus Chicago?! As soon as the Bulls beat the Heat in the playoffs and all of Chicago (and Cleveland) can rest easy, how ‘bout we turn our attention to Halas Hall?

Matt Forte is one of the more consistently productive backs in the league + a perfect fit in Chicago’s presumptive Ticeian offense.

Let’s make sure he knows that.

Also, let’s make sure we listen to Bear Down Podcast.

It’s awesome + I get a free burrito if you mention this article via Twitter. (TWEET THEM HERE!!!)

Do it. (Maron inflected.)


A Browns fan who likes the Bears for work (and in truth, actually kind of came to like them anyway!)


(*My “Brown Out” podcast is the lowest rated audio entry on iTunes. Thanks Holmgren.)

(PS- I've just been informed that it’s POSSIBLE I’m not the first one to think of this “Occupy Halas Hall” thing… so a quick shout-out to the literally 10,000 similarly titled Google search results people whose idea I stole.)


By Ryan + Aron, for (BDP is also available on iTunes and Stitcher. I'm really good at my job.)

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Herman Cain vs Prominent Muslims Series: Herman Cain vs Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Herman Cain battles prominent Muslim Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as we return to CFAAP’s most popular series!

We’re still working through the backlog, and next up is a return to the once oh-so-promising series: “Herman Cain vs. Prominent Muslims.”

In case you missed the first…

HC v. Muhammad Ali.

Sadly, due to the unforeseen and semi-impractical lawsuit that has slowed the rocket-like take off of this blog, the “Herman Cain vs. Prominent Muslims” series may be left in the end an unfinished work (unless Herman Cain can beat off Chris Christie and Paul Ryan for the 2016 nomination — unlikely because Herman left things a bit of a mess + the majority of RNC members are contractually incapable of beating off anyone or anything.)

In closing:


The day your ended your candidacy for President of the United States, my world got a little blacker.

I think I speak for everyone short of Sharon Bialek when I say that I miss you.

I miss you a lot.

To the only guy in the history of American politics to quote Pokemon with a reverence usually reserved for MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech…

Godspeed Herman Cain.

Wherever you are, whoever you're in... Godspeed.

By Ryan + Aron, for the

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Depression Era Comics: The Internet’s Most Literal Depression Comic # 3

A quote for Depression era comic # 3…

“Nothing spoils the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love.”

-Charlie Brown.

I think the quoting may become a thing.

By Ryan.

Jon Huntsman 2012: The Conservative Liberal who is also Mormon

Liberal Conservative Mormon Jon Huntsman dropped out of the 2012 race months ago, but that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate his candidacy.

For moderate Californians (once again ignored by the Republican establishment!), I think the greatest regret of the 2012 primaries has to be the ease with which Jon Huntsman was dismissed. How little we got to know him…

Lament this, for there was more to Jon Huntsman than his relatively moderate take on the issues (a moderate take perhaps overstated, as his tax plan was as “ambitious” as any).

Rather, there was more to Jon Huntsman in that it seems the ex-governor of Utah was also, quite publicly, nice. From the outside, it even appeared as though he aimed to treat the political forum with some degree of reverence and professionalism.

Obviously the public was hungry for that, and had “margin for error” not been in the race he might have finished higher in the polls.

Regardless, though this literature was meant to be posted months ago (again, the lawsuit) …let’s get to know Jon Huntsman anyway.

When 2016 rolls around…at least we’ll have something with which to commemorate his run in 2012.

By Ryan + Aron, for

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Depression Era Comics: The Internet's Most Literal Depression Comic # 2

A second note re: the Depression era comics...
These were not drawn during the actual Depression. (The great one.)

Some of them were drawn during an actual depression.

It's since been rectified with Effexor/banana chocolate chip cake.

By Ryan.

Rick Perry 2012: Governor’s Campaign Posters have finally arrived!

Rick Perry's 2012 campaign posters are finally in stock!

Governor Rick Perry may have suspended his campaign in January, but I’m hoping I can still sell a few of these to the wayward Texans who have been as of yet unable to procure the right bumper sticker.

Now, full disclosure: I wanted to write something insightful here, but I haven’t followed Rick Perry since January. I tried to do a little research and the best I could find was that during the early debates, RP might have acted inappropriately (no homo) toward a rival campaign manager in a men’s room.

I guess that's funny and interesting.

In researching his Twitter feed, I was able to discern that he is both working toward rehabilitating his image by posing with adorable animals and married to a high school football team.

It’s been working on both accounts (Rick’s now at 138,000 followers + it's legal to marry a football in Texas) and the dog’s since been shot. (For sport — not because it was black.)


To the reader: I really don’t want this to be an exclusively liberal blog politically…but I also want to maintain the right to call out those that I think are disingenuous and thereby make myself feel ingenuous.

So let’s close with this…

It’s possible Rick Perry is less of an idiot and more of an antiquated relic of old America. Which, granted, looks like an idiot when set in present day America, but hey, what can you do…

Okay, I'm off to drive my Prius. Conservative readers: I’ll draw more sports pictures soon.


Ryan M. Braun, Professor of Political Science at the CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.

ps- If you wish to follow Rick Perry on Twitter, here is his account.