Friday, September 30, 2011

Funny Plates: Hitch Cock

It's a Hitch cock (Hitchcock?) for today's "Funny Plates" entry...and I'm a little worried this is sacrilege. At the very least, it's kind of scary. Guess that's appropriate.

He's a grower.

By Ryan, for

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Herman Cain vs Prominent Muslims Series: Herman Cain vs Muhammad Ali

Herman Cain fights prominent Muslim Muhammad Ali in part one of our new series!

Today, I’m releasing the first of a series of works entitled, “The Herman Cain vs. Prominent Muslims series.” Essentially, it’s pictures of Herman Cain vs. prominent Muslims.

Our good friend Herman has been campaigning on a series of potentially panderous issues, perhaps the most notable of those being a healthy skepticism of Muslims in general.

Yeesh. (That’s Muslim for, “in poor taste.”)

Now, do I think Herman Cain
actually believes that all Muslims are trying to kill us, with “us” presumably meaning all American, non-Muslim people?

No. I think he’s a reasonably smart guy with a work ethic to be admired (
the man’s done a lot in his life) and has simply caught wind of how to play the game (that being, find out the issues most fervently installed in your potential base and proceed to hammer them into the ground with no regard for nuance and/or the ground—because, of the ground, hammer it hard enough and natural gas comes out!). He’s pandering, and because he has no real record in government, he’s kind of free to pander unchecked. There’s little to call him on, save for the occasional factually inaccuracy.

Anyway, I hope these pictures are silly, irreverent and enjoyable. I hope Herman Cain sees them, likes them, and maybe decides to throw in a qualifier or two when talking about religion. I’m not even religious, I just like qualifiers.

A few more thoughts in closing:

- There will be more HCVPM pictures upcoming.

- I think Herman Cain is adorable. I mean, the name “Herman” is adorable in and of itself, but on top of that he’s old, round, and has a history of making pizza. If Toys-R-Us sold a Herman Cain teddy bear, I would have it in my room.

- Despite winning the Florida straw poll last weekend, Herman Cain is polling nationally at just 5% (though depending on voter turnout, that may be enough to win).

- In Herman’s defense, I’m 99% sure the guy at my local 7-11 is a terrorist. His hot dogs are killing me.
Ba da ksh! Okay, now I’m leaving.

Ah, no I'm not! One more note/addendum—Found this on
Republican Herman Cain is apologizing to Muslim leaders for vitriolic remarks he made about Islam while campaigning for the presidential nomination.

The former Godfather's Pizza CEO has said communities have a right to ban Islamic mosques because Muslims are trying to inject sharia law into the U.S. He's also said he would not want a Muslim bent on killing Americans in his administration.

On Wednesday, Cain met with four Muslim leaders in Sterling, Va. He said in a statement later he was "truly sorry" for comments that may have "betrayed" his commitment to the Constitution and the religious freedom it guarantees.

He also acknowledged that Muslims, "like all Americans," have the right to practice freely their faith and that most Muslim Americans are peaceful and patriotic.
Okay, two(ish) more things:

1. Go Herman. That’s big of you.

2. There’s a really funny sentence in that blurb above. “[Cain's] also said he would not want a Muslim bent on killing Americans in his administration.” Bold stance.

3. Let’s end on a positive. Go Herman.

By Ryan + Aron, for (Which, currently, is just a part of this site...but hey, click on the link anyway!)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

David Stern's Hard Cap: An NBA Lockout Joint

On David Stern, the hard cap, and the NBA Lockout...from Cavs: the Blog.

As you may or may not know, I have a loose deadline of every Sunday morning for these Cavs cartoons. This week, I may or may not have hit it. What happened was John and I were working on our new CBA and couldn’t come to terms until this morning. I now get 100% of Cavs: the Blog’s advertising revenue.

On David Stern and the NBA lockout:

This is getting serious.

Words like “monumental” and “deadline” are being thrown around, and that usually means that there’s some sort of monumental deadline on the horizon.

What’s the deadline for?

From what I gather, it seems the company line from Stern and the owners is now that this weekend’s scheduled meetings will mark the last attempt to start the season on time. Meaning that if we don’t have a deal (or substantial progress) by Monday, a 50 game season probably becomes our best option. There would be “a lot of risk” to not getting something done by the end of the week was Stern’s direct quote (via Brian Mahoney). That and, “there are enormous consequences at play here on the basis of the weekend.” You could call it a bluff, but in truth, it’s likely not. The first games are supposed to start in a month.

If you’re rooting for a season, the worst thing that could happen would be the sides emerging from this weekend without making any headway.

Because at that point the conversation will turn from saving the start of the season, to saving the season at all.


Thanks for reading guys! (As per usual, the above picture was done by the biggest Cavs fan at and colored by AJS…and the same goes for the one below, which came as a result of my playing around with the first pic and might even have turned out better.)

I think Stern should walk into the meetings this weekend and just slide that across the table. Provided Gilbert Arenas isn’t there, that’s what I think he should do.

And…want one for the Road?

Here’s an interesting Kyrie-tidbit published Saturday from new Cavs beat writer Tom Reed:
Irving has played just 11 games since last October in part due to a right foot injury — which doctors tell him won’t completely heal for another three months.

And, while he feels “150 percent” and is training with no restrictions, the NBA’s top overall pick in June is a player without a game. The league lockout has him parked at Duke, taking four courses this semester and working out twice a day.
Silver lining of the lockout right there. It sounds like Kyrie’s done a good job of letting his foot heal completely by taking a few months off post-draft (at the Cavs request), and I kind of don’t mind that he’s not yet dealing with the pressure to overdue it early on an injury that may be better off with more rest.

If the league’s first game is in January, I’m not sure that anyone benefits more than KI.

By Ryan + Aron, of fame.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Funny Plates: World's Illest Rapper

It's the world's illest rapper this week in "Funny Plates." He spits hot fire, which is a euphemism for "frequently vomits."

By Ryan, for

Sunday, September 18, 2011

NBA Lockout: Strip Clubs Going Under...

The strip clubs are going under due to the NBA Lockout.

The following from
Cavs: the Blog:

Happy Sunday everyone! (And go Browns, should you be so inclined.)

We’re back with the latest entry of
Drawings from the Notebook of Chris Grant, and sadly, today marks our third pictorial foray into the NBA lockout ripple effect. (For those keeping track, here are the first two: Barren NBA Website & the lonely NBA ball.)

Can we put an end to this already? Kyrie needs practice and the Cavs have to get their money’s worth for the one season Jonas Valanciunas is ineligible.

Is 50 games now the most likely scenario here? Even amidst the apparent reality that the NBA would be submarining itself during the upswing of a resurgence?

I honestly have no idea, but Brian Windhorst is
tweeting pessimistically.

Not good for two reasons.

One—He’s usually right, and two—My birthday’s next week and the hottest place still open is Friendly’s.


(Picture by, and/or Ryan + Aron.)

(Also, one more note: Having never actually been to a strip club—I talk a big game, but worry the site of a woman naked in real life might make my heart explode—I looked all over the internet for an adequate reference picture from which to draw. And the only one I found was this drawing by Mark Anderson, which I pretty shamelessly copied. So shout out to Mark Anderson—a man who knows his way around the exterior of a strip club. Thank you in advance for not suing me.)

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Funny Plates: Paraplegic Pick Up Lines

Funny Plate No. 5: The blog's first paraplegic joke!

Heard this in a bar the other night...

It didn't work, but I'm pretty sure the guy's delivery was off. The material is strong.

By Ryan, for

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act: Michele Bachmann scores a win for America…

Michele Bachmann’s Mammothly Important Light Bulb Act, by Ryan Braun

The following is a commemorative piece re: Michele Bachmann’s greatest congressional accomplishment to date—the could not be enacted soon enough, “Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act.”

In case you’ve forgotten, this was the act that hastily ended the government's 2007 mandate that incandescent bulbs be phased out.


Here's Bachmann, from

"In 2007, Congress overstepped its bounds by mandating that only 'energy efficient' light bulbs may be sold after January 1, 2012. … Government has no business telling an individual what kind of light bulb to buy."

In truth, while I know Bachmann’s taken some ridicule for this…the LBFOCA is pretty clearly in accordance with the constitution, which is of note because the constitution is probably the only document from the 1700s that had the foresight to preemptively deal with electricity. Not to mention, when Benjamin Franklin invented the light bulb, what shape was it? It was round, right? I think...I’m actually not positive it was round, but it sure as heck wasn’t twirly like a pig’s tail. What kind of message is that supposed to send to our children that we illuminate our houses with something that looks like a pig’s tail? They’ll think that we’re calling them fat, and even though there’s a statistical probability that they are, where in the constitution does it say that we should bring it to their attention? Hell, the Greeks placed a value on fat. They placed a value on fat the way we place a value on wealth. You tell me which is healthier.

So, with that in mind, you go Michele Bachmann.
(Here's another picture of her in case you don't remember the first two.)

Keep fighting.

Keep leading.

Follow that light.

Conscience-induced Addendum:

Because I never want to be mindlessly partisan and would love it if this ended up being more of a centrist blog than a liberal one, I will admit the following:

From everything I can gather, the LBFOCA isn’t quite the "worst repeal of recent regulation" I'm making it out to be. The energy efficient bulbs still have a ways to go before they’re actually on par with their incandescent counterparts at “light bulbing,” and there’s been a rather alarming mercury concern raised with a few of the new bulbs as well. So on the innocuous meter, Bachmann’s bill is probably an 8/10. Depending on your mercury tolerance, it may even be beneficial.

Thus, in fairness to Bachmann, I’ll say this: If she’s to be scorned for anything, it has to be for her intellect/her treatment of gay people.

In fact, were I making a list of issues I have with Michele as a presidential candidate, it would read:

  1. Poor treatment of gays.
  2. Intellect.
  3. Light bulbs.
Other than that, I have no qualms.

(Editor’s note: If you only read this blog for the sports cartoons, just click CFAAP on one of the sports cartoon’s tags. It will eliminate all non-sports fare. I recommended not doing that, however, because I like the political cartoons and you'd also be missing the "Funny Plates (which are perhaps my greatest artistic accomplishment)," but you have the option. Constitutionally, you have it. Regardless, I promise I’ll think up an easier way to navigate the site soon.)

(Editor’s note 2: Picture by Ryan + Aron, for CenterforAmericanProgressIllustrated.)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Luke Harangody: Harangody on cover of XXL...

Luke Harangody on XXL, from Cavs: the Blog:

The following contains both a tribute to and a musing on Cavs PF Luke Harangody.

Here is the tribute: An illegally procured copy of XXL’s new LH cover.

Initially, I’d planned to make cover art for a fictitious Harangody rap album (tentatively titled, “SPF-44”), and I wrote the following faux-review excerpts to paste on the cover:

-“Incomprehensibly white.”

-“I bought this in a grocery store parking lot.”

-“Better than Ron Artest’s album.”

I couldn’t fit them all in and so I went with the magazine.

Okay, now for the musing.

I read and loved Kevin’s excellent series on Cavalier “Diamonds in the Rough,” and if I valued having an honest relationship with myself, I’d probably go ahead and admit that I think he’s right in his assertion of Luke Harangody (In case you don’t remember, it’s: At best, a “starter for a second place team in the German League.” Which is harsh, but fair. The German League places a premium on undersized, un-athletic 4’s.).

But since I traditionally lie to myself to suit the needs of any individual moment, here’s one potentially more optimistic stance/comparison that I think is somewhat grounded in reality.

Luke Harangody is Brian Cardinal; he’s just too young for us to see it yet.

My theory?

Cardinal, the funnily shaped, self-deprecatory, 34-year-old 10th man had so little “legacy” invested in a Finals win that it ultimately enabled him to perform with surprising effectiveness if only because he was one of the only guys on the court unaffected by the magnitude of the moment. He didn’t win the Finals (he played 30 total minutes), but he helped.

Is it possible that all Harangody is missing by way of comparison is the self-awareness that comes with being a bit-player for 11 NBA seasons?

In my mind, the number one most incriminating Harangody statistic is his current 38.4% shooting percentage. Not good for an interior player.

Brian Cardinal’s career shooting percentage? 41.3% (and he’s 6-8 too).

The key note to take away is that while 40% shooting from a power forward is bad, it doesn’t hurt as much when he’s only taking three shots a game.

With his unique combination of toughness and self-awareness, Brian Cardinal has quite probably now affirmed his status as the best 10th man in basketball.

I believe it’s possible that we’ve found someone similar, we just need to let him age. (And also, maybe send him to the Groundlings. Brian Cardinal is funny.)


Thanks for reading everyone!

(Picture by and colors by AJS.)

(Also see, related picture: “Black Luke Harangody.”)

(One last note: I realize I’m posting this at 12:00 AM on the 10th anniversary of September 11th, and though I am probably in no position to substantively comment on it, nor is this the place to substantively comment on it…consider this my best wishes to any and everyone who may have been affected, however they were affected. May the world keep getting better.)

By Ryan + Aron.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Funny Plates: Anal Sex

This is the first time in my life I've disposed of a plate via anal sex. Or at least the first time that I'm psychologically capable of acknowledging it.

By Ryan, for

Monday, September 5, 2011

Republican Bumper Stickers: Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, and more!!!

With the following (the titlely-referenced "Republican Bumper Stickers"), I hope not to alienate half of my Lilliputian audience*...but realize I'm probably going to.

Screw it though, we’re going political. (Coincidentally, that's a quote from God to Michele Bachmann.)

Below are our first five stickers, commemorating and/or otherwise recognizing the campaigns of—in order—Tim Pawlenty, Mitt Romney, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Jon Huntsman (my personal favorite Mormon).

Cut them out and stick them to your car and stuff.

Godspeed, men/Bach-men,

Ryan M.** Braun (associate editor of online content at

(Possibly unnecessary endnote: For those right-leaning and dissatisfied with this post, I’ll try to be fair in my upcoming political characterizations/willing to poke fun at all parties deserving of poking. Or at least go 70/30. Also, know this: While I think Obama deserves another go-round, I honestly wouldn’t be upset if Jon Huntsman (albeit only Huntsman) won. And while there’s a better chance that George W. is asked back for a third term, I hope this portrays me as a relatively tolerant and open-minded liberal. Either that or a Mormon.)

(Definitely unnecessary endnote: I'm not 100% sure on this, but I think their Mormonism would allow both Huntsman and Romney to occupy the White House in the event of a tie. Okay, now I'm leaving.)



*This blog gets about 30,000 readers a day, but they’re all tiny.

**The “M” is not for Mormon.

By Ryan, Nico, + Aron, for (For the time being, CFAPI has merged with its sister site,

Friday, September 2, 2011

Funny Plates: Bappin

Funny Plate #3, in honor of my new favorite word: Bappin.

By Ryan, for